In the first of a series of articles, eminent art zoologist Wil Crisp gives you the facts about the animals of the art world. Illustration by Chris Getliffe.

STATS
Length: 3ft
Wingspan: 7ft
Skin colour: sparkly
Eye colour: brown
Temperament: sublime/disgruntled
Star sign: Pisces
Turn ons: Baroque art, art theft
Turn offs: It doesn’t like going to the cinema

The Winged Turbot is an elegant and peculiar fish, steeped in folklore and high in Omega 3.  Anatomically it is very similar to other fishes of the Scophthalmidae genus but can be told apart due to its distinctive fluttering wings.  (It is also commonly confused with the Trout Eagle but unlike the Trout Eagle the Winged Turbot’s head is featherless.)

The Winged Turbot (or Scophthalums Arthistorisos) is thought to have evolved from the ancient cave fish, Scophthalums Cavaholus, which itself was an unusual fish.  The male of the species would assert its dominance within the shoal and attempt to attract a mate by communicating an extensive knowledge of art history and theory through subtle movements of its fins.  Gradually over time through natural selection the fish developed larger fins to better express its cultural knowledge and ultimately the large fins evolved into wings when contemporary art progressed from cave painting and the fishes had to travel further to get to exhibitions.

Michelin’s I-Spy Book of Art Galleries II (1995) rates the Winged Turbot as ‘Very Rare’ awarding a sighting 50 points, but this was not always the case.  Up until the nineteenth century it was quite a common sight in art houses and museums all over the world but the fish garnered unsavoury connotations when it was witnessed in large numbers prior to the 1837 fire in the Dulwich Picture Gallery.  The Winged Turbot was branded a harbinger of exhibition disorganisation and art disappearance and hunted to the brink of extinction by rabid artists and curators in the latter half of the century.

Although they are now few in numbers the Winged Turbot remains an obsession for many in the art world.  Anthony Gormley is one such man.  He has spent his entire career trying to devise deterrents and traps for Winged Turbot including the scarecrow-like Angel of the North.  Other contemporary artworks which are thought to be Turbot deterrents include: Hirst’s pickled shark, Banksy’s threatening Fish Sticks sculpture and Sterling Ruby’s crab pot-like Recondite.

Just as it is vilified by artists the Winged Turbot is worshipped by art thieves, who see it as a holy animal.  The French art thief Stephane Breitwieser actually recounts in his biography a time when a large winged turbot transported him to safety when he was trapped on the roof of the Louvre after a botched robbery.

Although their numbers dwindled dangerously during the early nineties, and it was thought that the Winged Turbot could go the same way as the Small-Bearded Salamander and the Bi-spectacled Otter, the future of the species does look secure as a London organisation has started a successful conservation breeding scheme and reintroduction programme: www.londonsoundart.wordpress.com.

Wil Crisp